


Just Tell Him

by TheAsexualofSpades



Series: Quarantine Drabbles [26]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Bones is a Good Friend, Dorks in Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Idiots in Love, Jim is a wreck but he has friends, Jim is scared of losing people, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:41:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23736280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAsexualofSpades/pseuds/TheAsexualofSpades
Summary: Jim's got feelings for his first officer and this is a problem because Starfleet won't like it. Which means he's gonna lose his ship. Which means his family isn't gonna be happy.Bones, please come help Jim realize it's not as bad as he thinks it is.
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy, James T. Kirk & Spock, James T. Kirk & USS Enterprise Crew, James T. Kirk/Spock
Series: Quarantine Drabbles [26]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1677655
Comments: 14
Kudos: 299





	Just Tell Him

**Author's Note:**

> okay look he's afraid of abandoning people (hey aren't we all) but it's gonna be fine Jim i promise

Fandom: Star Trek

Prompt: “I think I’m in love with you and I’m terrified.”

* * *

No.

No, no, no, no, this isn’t right.

Nope. Absolutely not.

Jim was _not_ about to have this conversation right now.

“Captain?”

“Uh, sorry, Spock, I gotta—comm went off, talk later!”

“Captain,” Spock interjected with a perfectly raised eyebrow, “your comm did not go off. I would have heard it.”

“Uh, nope, it buzzed. New feature.” _Almost to the ‘lift._ “Gotta go! Be back! You have the conn!”

“Capt—“

The ‘lift doors slid shut and Jim exhaled, slumping against the back wall. Only when he heard the chuckle coming from next to him he realized he wasn’t alone.

“That,” Bones said through his laughter, “was the most awkward thing I’ve ever seen in my goddamn life.”

Jim didn’t even try to deny it, sinking down to the floor and burying his head in his hands. Bones, the asshole, didn’t even have to decency to join him, still laughing.

“You’re actin’ like a schoolboy again, Jim, what’re you gonna do about it?”

“About what?”

“Your crush on Spock.”

Jim’s face flared bright red. “I do _not_ have a crush on Spock.”

“Uh-huh.” Bastard.

“Leave me alone. That’s an order.”

“No can do, Jim-boy,” Bones drawled, leaning way too casually against the wall, “my job forbids it.”

“Why did I make you CMO,” Jim groaned into his knees.

“Because I’m the best damn chance you have at stayin’ alive, you love me too much, and you keep me around for when you know you need to be kicked in the ass.”

_He’s not wrong but I’m not gonna give him the satisfaction._

Seemed Bones got whatever confirmation he needed from the look on Jim’s face. Or at least what he could see from where it hid behind his legs.

“Do you even know what he was trying to talk to you about?”

Jim opened his mouth only to realize that no, no he did not.

Bones smirked. “He’s trying to ask you if you’ve got the clearance paperwork for the mission next week.”

  
Jim’s head dropped against the wall with a _thunk._ “I crave the sweet nothingness of oblivion.”

Bones’ hand landed on his shoulder and he turned his head to see the look on the doctor’s face.

“Not on my watch, kid.”

And yeah, Jim knew better than to joke about that.

“Sorry Bones.”

“You’re bein’ melodramatic,” Bones said as he helped him stand, “I ain’t expecting anything different.”

Only then did Jim realize he hadn’t told the ‘lift to move and he had absolutely no idea where they were going.

“Med bay,” Bones said, easily steering Jim out of the open doors, “you’re gonna have your physical that’s been overdue for three weeks and I’m gonna get more confirmation on your little crush over there.”

“It’s not a _crush,_ Bones.”

“Sure.”

Jim had to hand it to Bones, the man knew how to get him to stay still long enough to finish the physical. Thank god these exam rooms were soundproof.

“Shit kid,” Bones whistled as Jim pulled his tunic the rest of the way back on, “I was wrong. This ain’t a crush.”

At this point, Jim knew better than to try and stop Bones.

“You’re _properly_ in love with the green-blooded hobgoblin, ain’t you?” Bones looked at the results and snickered. “You’ve got it bad, kid.”

Jim didn’t take the bait. This was _bad._ Like, really bad.

Starfleet regulations frowned upon romantic relationships onboard a starship, especially within the command structure. It compromised an officer’s ability to remain calm and evaluative during a crisis. Jim had a few problems with the implication that it compromised the loyalty to _Starfleet_ but it would affect his ability to keep his crew safe.

Hell, he’d already done some _stupid_ stuff to make sure Spock was safe at the expense of his crew. If he were in a committed relationship? If he knew his feelings may even _slightly_ be returned?

Jim knows he has to be a captain. That means his crew’s needs come lightyears before his own.

Their safety at the small price of his heart.

Wait, no, that’s not right.

He loves his crew so damn much. They’re his goddamn family and no one is gonna take them away from him is he can help it. He still remembers the pleasant ache in his chest after that first voyage when almost all of the crew requested to stay under his command. Not on the _Enterprise._ Him. By name.

Jim’s heart lurched painfully as he thought of having to tell his crew he couldn’t serve with them anymore. He thought of Scotty’s confused and angry mumbling as he tinkered with the engine. He thought of Bones’ weary nod as he lost _another_ friend. He thought of Chekov’s face when he told him he wasn’t coming back. He thought of Uhura’s stone-cold expression.

He thought of Spock, staying with the crew he abandoned.

Because damnit this crew was Spock’s family too. Jim knew he was going down if this ever got back to Starfleet, but he wasn’t about to bring Spock down with him.

That wasn’t an option. Not even close.

“ _Jim._ ”

Jim blinked, looking up at Bones’ face, expecting to have to defend himself from more teasing or at least weather another round. He didn’t expect the soft look of concern on the doctor’s face.

“You’ve got the face on again,” Bones said, pushing Jim’s shoulder to sit him back on the bed. “That never leads anywhere good."

Jim shook his head. “I’m not about to do anything stupid, I promise.”

“Don’t believe that for a second,” Bones said automatically, the gentle hand he laid on Jim’s side dispelling any heat, “why don’t you tell me what it _is,_ and I’ll be the judge of that.”

Jim set his mouth in a hard line. “No.”

“Why not, kid?”

“I’m not in the mood to be teased about things right now.”

“Oh, darlin’, it’s bad right now, huh.”

Jim clenched his jaw, determined to keep his mouth shut. But Bones’ tone was soft, and the hand on his side wasn’t a restraint.

“Hey,” Bones called, waiting for Jim to look up, “I ain’t gonna tease, darlin’. You tell me what’s goin’ on in that head of yours, alright?”

Jim looked at his friend’s face. Bones wasn’t lying, not that he really ever did.

Here goes.

“I have feelings for Spock.” Nope. This was much harder to say out loud.

Bones rubbed his arm encouragingly. “And?”

Jim took a deep, slow breath. “And I’m not going to do anything about it. My crew is the most important thing to me. I will not jeopardize their safety or their lives in any way.”

“Jim—“

“Starfleet regulations would have me removed as the captain of the Enterprise,” Jim interrupted, “it would destroy their home. I will not be responsible for that.”

Jim closed his eyes, voice dropping to a shameful whisper. “I’m already emotionally compromised, Bones. I’m not gonna give them anything else.”

“Oh, darlin’, you come here.”

Jim let Bones wrap him in a hug, the small part of his brain not consumed with all of this mildly amused at the shedding of the doctor’s normally prickly exterior.

“I gotta hand it to you, Jim-boy, you’re takin’ self-sacrifice to a whole new level.” Bones shushed him when he tried to protest. “You’re tryin’ not to lose your family. You know that’s true, no matter how much you wanna try and say it’s for the benefit of _just_ the others.”

Bones pulled back. “The Enterprise is your home too, darlin’, and I know you don’t wanna lose it.”

Jim set his jaw again and tilted his head back. He was not gonna cry.

“But I know you,” Bones continued, letting Jim sit there with his head back, “and I know it ain’t gonna end there.”

“What,” Jim managed, “what do you mean?”

“I mean, I know you ain’t gonna be able to sit on this forever.” Bones’ hands kept him from overbalancing. “And at some point, you’re gonna think that what _you_ need from your crew ain’t enough for you to risk what _they_ have.”

“What?”

Bones’ eyes were sad but he spoke clearly. “At some point, Jim, you’re gonna try and leave us. Without explaining a damn thing. Because you think it’ll be easier for us if _you_ leave rather than having Starfleet kick you out.”

Jim’s mouth dropped open. Partially because the thought of leaving his crew made him sick to his stomach but mainly because Bones was _right._

“How do you know me so well?”

“I have to, darlin’,” Bones murmured, wiping a stray tear away from Jim’s face, “I know how scared you are of being left and how much you hate the idea of abandoning others. But you can’t sit there with all of that and expect it to be fine. You just can’t.”

“I can try,” Jim insisted stubbornly.

“No, Jim,” Bones corrected, giving him a small shake, “you can’t. Because you’ll burn yourself up and make us watch.”

That did it.

Bones pulled him back in for a hug as a sob choked its way out of Jim’s throat.

“I don’t wanna lose everyone,” he mumbled, “and I don’t get why this is happening. I’m _happy_ with Spock as my friend, it’s not like a romantic relationship is more fulfilling or whatnot, and I don’t wanna mess it up because I love _everyone—“_

“Shh, shh, I know, kid.”

“—and I don’t like that this is different, I want to go back, I can’t mess everything up again like I did last time—“

“What d’you mean ‘again?’”

Jim’s throat protested as he forced the words out. “I just reminded Mom and Sam of dad and I wanted to love them but they didn’t—“

“Now you stop right there, Jim.”

No, no, he made Bones mad, now Bones will leave too—

“ _Jim._ ”

Jim looked, trying not to waver under Bones’ angry glare.

“You didn’t mess up _shit,_ you hear me? They were grieving and they didn’t know how to reconcile their loss with a bubbly little kid who loved too much for his own good.” Bones’ grip on his shoulders bordered on painful. “You ain’t got nothing to blame yourself for, you understand?”

Jim nodded. Bones softened, rubbing his shoulders with his thumbs.

“You ain’t gonna lose me. You ain’t gonna lose the crew. You sure as hell ain’t gonna lose the ship.”

“But—“

“No buts, darlin’. It ain’t gonna happen.”

Jim drooped in defeat only to have his head guided back up.

“And you ain’t gonna self-destruct either. You’re gonna cry this the rest of the way out and then we’re gonna fix this. And that means you gotta talk to the hobgoblin.”

Jim knew better than to argue and no, it was not just because he had no energy left, thank you very much. He let himself be maneuvered back into Bones’ arms and he stayed there, soaking in the warmth his friend provided.

When his tears ran dry and his shoulders ached, he pulled away, hopping off the table to wash his face off. Bones finished putting everything in order and pressed Jim’s comm into his hand.

“You figure it out?”

Jim nodded. “I’m gonna tell him why I ran away.”

“Good. And?”

“And I’m gonna tell him I’m going through some emotional stuff right now that is definitely not his fault.”  
  
“Jim…”

“I wasn’t being sarcastic!”

“Okay.” Bones gave him a side hug. “Now you go do that and if it goes bad you both march right back down here, you understand?”

“Yes.” Jim paused on his way out. Then he turned around and all but tackled Bones in a bear hug.

“Hey, hey, easy.”

“Thank you, Bones. So much.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Bones grumbled though Jim could hear the fond smile, “go on. Git.”

Jim went.

“Commander Spock, can I see you on the observation deck?”

“On my way, Captain.”

It seemed a lot easier to do when Spock wasn’t standing right next to him. Jim took a moment to get his bearings back, looking out the window at the stars passing by.

“It is beautiful, isn’t it?”

Jim glanced at Spock who was still looking at the distant specks of light.

“The vastness of space,” Spock continued, “and all the information it holds.”

“Waxing poetic, are we, Mr. Spock?”

“About the mission, of course.”

“Always the scientist,” Jim smiled, watching Spock quirk an eyebrow.

“What is the scientist but a storyteller?” Spock gestured around them. “Science is nothing more than the contextualization of data; a narrative through which we learn about ourselves and the place in the universe. I see no reason I cannot be both.”

Jim’s smile widened as Spock continued. The words flowed effortlessly into the air and _shit_ he was so right.

“Well, I look forward to the stories you’re going to tell.”

“But Captain,” Spock said, “you will tell them with me.”

_Damnit._

“Forgive me,” Spock’s voice came from over Jim’s shoulder. Oh yeah, that's right, he turned. When did he do that? “I did not mean to be presumptuous.”

“No, no, Spock, you’re fine.” _Here goes._ “I uh, actually wanted to talk to you about that.”

Spock’s reflection in the mirror drew itself up, waiting.

“I’m sorry for running away on the Bridge earlier,” Jim started, “it was unprofessional.”

“You did not cause me nor any other members of the crew significant distress, no apology necessary.”

“It was rude, Spock,” Jim corrected, “so I’m sorry.”

“I was not offended, but I accept your apology.”

Jim nodded his thanks.

“Captain, I sense that there is something else you wish to tell me.”

“Yeah, actually, there is.” Jim squared his shoulders. “I’ve been…experiencing some emotional difficulties recently and I wanted to let you know that I will strive not to let them affect my duties.”

Spock looked at him out of the corner of his eye. “I cannot help but wonder if our roles have suddenly become reversed.”

Jim chuckled. “No, I’m serious. I’ve been having some trouble lately. I’m working on it. But I figured I should let you know because, you know, it’s polite.”

“I understand.” Spock moved a little closer. “Please know that I am willing to offer any assistance you may require.”

Jim couldn’t stop the snort of disbelief. “I don’t think so.”

“Captain, please do not doubt my abilities. I know I am not…an expert on emotions but I do believe I can be useful.”

“Not with this.” _Why did he say that?_

“Perhaps if you gave me an example, I would be able to reevaluate.”

_Why did he have to open his big mouth…_

“I think I’m in love with you and I’m terrified.”

Silence.

More silence.

Spock’s reflection didn’t even shift.

Jim hastened to cover up his mistake. “But like I said, I’m working on it, I promise I’ll—“

“Why did you believe I would not be helpful?”

Jim froze at Spock’s soft question.

“Uh, because—“

“Certainly the correct solution would be to alleviate your fear by assuring you these feelings are returned.”

_No, no, that’s the opposite of what I want. I mean not real but—_

“Spock, you don’t have to lie to me—“

“Vulcans do not lie.”

  
“Okay that is _bullshit_ and you know it—“

“I fail to see how it is excrement of any kind—“

“Spock!” Jim winced when it came out a shout. “You know what I mean. You don’t have to pretend to return my feelings, they’re not your problem. I can—“

“But it is my problem,” Spock interrupted, “to permit you to continue to operate under the delusion that your feelings are not returned.”

Wait what?

“I…” Spock’s cheeks turned a pale green. “I am no expert in emotions. I do not know what type of love this is nor how to explore it, but…”

Spock stared at Jim, gaze unmistakable.

“I would like to explore it with you if you will have me.”

_If you will have me,_ Jim mouthed, not daring to believe what he’d just heard.

“I, uh, don’t know how to do this either,” he admitted, not bother to fight the smile blooming on his face.

His heart kept when a smaller one appeared on Spock’s own face. “Then it seems inadvisable to not proceed together.”

“Together it is.” Jim’s head filled with visions of them continuing to explore the vastness of space, telling stories, side by side, their crew behind them—

“Captain?” Spock frowned. “What is wrong?”

“Starfleet won’t be happy about this.”

“Ah. Yes. Starfleet regulations.” Spock returned his gaze out the window and Jim prepared himself to be rejected all over again. “Of course, they will only take action if they become aware of the changes.”

“Are…are you suggesting we _lie_ to Starfleet?”

Spock glances at him. “Merely that we do not deign to share any…personal details.”

Jim smirked. “Why Spock, I do believe I’ve been a terrible influence.”

“On the contrary, Captain,” Spock interjected, raising an eyebrow, “I have been this way long before I met you.”

“You’ve been holding out on me.”

“I will remedy this error.”

“You better.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Come yell at me on tumblr while we're all in quarantine.
> 
> https://a-small-batch-of-dragons.tumblr.com/


End file.
